


Okay?

by storybrooke



Category: The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
Genre: Alternate Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 04:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2215194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storybrooke/pseuds/storybrooke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a beautiful, sunny day in Indiana and Hazel and Gus just came back from Amsterdam. Gus' cancer is gone and Hazel has never felt better. But how long would it take for things to go bad? One night things take a turn for the worse and Hazel finds herself in the hospital and all her worse fears come to life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Compromise

**Author's Note:**

> The story takes place after Hazel and Gus come back from Amsterdam. I decided that I was kind of taken back on how the book ended, so I made my own version of it. This is the Alternate Ending...I apologize in advance.

Spring was right around the corner, the sidewalks were filled with lawns and trees and green. The sky was a gorgeous pale blue and not a cloud in sight, the sun was a small fiery orb in the middle of the sky. Gus was right beside me walking with a spring in his step and I couldn’t help but notice his slight limp. I smiled and took his hand, more of an impulse by now and welcomed the silence. It was times like this that I loved Indiana. That I was convinced for a second that maybe, maybe, we were normal. That everything was okay.

  
“So we’ve been to Amsterdam and visited Van Houten, which I thought was one of the worse experiences of my life.” Gus smiled and looked my way before continuing. “Where do you wanna go next, Hazel Grace?” He turned and looked at me. I thought about this for a moment before saying, “How bout going to your place and buying some pizza and watching some chick flick movie?” Gus burst into laughter and I couldn’t help but notice the vehement look in his eyes. He looked at me with a smirk before saying, “Candid as always, Hazel Grace. But I would love that.”

I thought about this for a moment before saying, “How bout going to your place and buying some pizza and watching some chick flick movie?” Gus burst into laughter and I couldn’t help but notice the vehement look in his eyes. He looked at me with a smirk before saying, “Candid as always, Hazel Grace. But I would love that.”

Gus burst into laughter and I couldn’t help but notice the vehement look in his eyes. He looked at me with a smirk before saying, “Candid as always, Hazel Grace. But I would love that.”

  
***

  
“Mom!” Gus shouted, disturbing the tranquility, as he opened the door to his house. “The Hazel Grace is here”.

  
I smiled, “You don’t have to call me that, you know.”

  
“Nonsense!” Gus raised his arms in and inordinately manner. “You must be treated like the big deal that you are.” I rolled my eyes and walked by to go to the kitchen. “Good Afternoon, Mrs. Waters.”

I rolled my eyes and walked by to go to the kitchen. “Good Afternoon, Mrs. Waters.”

  
“Hazel! Hi! How are you?!” She quickly wiped her hands on her dish towel and gave me a big hug, which I may or may not have returned with equal bone crushing force.

  
“Hazel Grace and I were thinking of ordering some pizza and hanging out in the basement for a while.” Gus came in the kitchen and gave his mom a quick kiss on the cheek.

  
“Oh, but I was just cooking some-“

  
“Sorry, mom! Pizza’s better!” He took my hand and dragged me away from a confused looking Mrs. Waters. I managed a quick goodbye before being lead down the stairs to the basement.

  
*** 

“So we’ve got several good films here.” Gus was currently sitting in a pile of DVDs. “Um…how bout this one?” Gus subtlety handed me a DVD.

Immediately I smiled. “Gus.”

  
He turned around and gave me his best ingenious smile. “Yes?”

  
“I never knew V for Vendetta was a chick flick.”

  
“Oh yeah, see, you must’ve missed the label on that.” he rambled on.

I raised an eyebrow. “Is that right?”

He nodded eagerly before snatching it out of my hand. “Gus!”

  
“What!”

  
“We’re not watching V for Vendetta.” I managed to get out between giggles.

  
“My house. My rules.” he was already moving towards the DVD player and opening the box.

  
“Uh huh. And this has nothing to do with that fact that Natalie Portman is in it, right?”

Gus tensed and I was met by silence,“No…”

  
“You are unbelievable,” I confessed and started laughing.

  
“Whatever. I’ll go upstairs and order the pizza while you just…” He looked at the piles and piles of DVDs, CDs, clothes, and broken trophies. “Try to clean up a bit, yeah?”

  
“Of course. Leave the hard work for the girl with lung problems” I remarked and started cleaning a small space in front of the TV.

  
“If I could help, I would!” He said indignantly, but the smile on his face vetoed his intentions.

  
“Sure.” I moved a pile of clothes to the left.

“I would!” He was deliberately moving towards the stairs.

  
“Just go already!” I smiled and picked up a dirty pair of sock and threw it in his direction.

  
“Hey! Alright, alright. I’m going.” And with that, he finally let me be at peace and ran up the stairs. I sighed and looked around the small space I’ve managed to clear up.

  
***

  
Two hours and a compromise later, we were sitting on pillows eating pizza and watching 50 First Dates.

  
“This is actually pretty good.” he whispered.

  
“Shhh!” I slapped his shoulder and kept my eyes fixed on the movie, pizza in hand.

  
“Ow…okay” he took another bite.

  
Minutes later, I turned to him and smiled, “but yeah, it’s good.”

  
***

  
All the walking from this morning must’ve gotten to me because before I knew it, my eyes were drifting shut out of my own volition and I was leaning to the side. I landed on Gus’ shoulder and closed my eyes. I could see flashes of color behind my eyelids from the movie and once in a while Gus would tense up and make noises responding to me the movie. I finally fell asleep when he wrapped an arm around me and kissed my forehead, the low noises of the movie in the background getting lower and lower, until finally, darkness. I didn’t even notice my oxygen tube slipping off and landing in my lap.


	2. "I Thought You Were Gone"

I woke up to pins and needles in my head and a fire burning deep in my chest. I don’t remember screaming, but before I knew it, Gus was there, his face right in my line of sight with a look of panic. He was saying something but I couldn’t hear him. I gasped for air but nothing came.

  
“Ox-“I managed to say, “-tube”

  
Everything was moving in slow motion. Gus was right beside me and I found a great sense of calmness with him there despite the situation.

  
My lungs were filling with water and my head felt like someone was constantly stabbing it with needles. I aimed for Gus, but my arms were made of lead and stayed limp to my side. I was lying there, gasping like a fish out of water and then I felt Gus’ arms close around me.

  
The fire burns like hot coals in my chest and I feel like I’m in a freezer. My vision blurs and I just want to sleep, I’m so tired. Tired of fighting, I want to give up.

  
_No._

  
_NO! Don’t do this now_ , Hazel, I tell myself,  _Just try to stay conscious._

  
I get this floating feeling and finally think it’s over when I move my head and bump against something solid. Gus.

  
My body is moving and I can feel Gus’ arms carrying me up the stairs. There are the muffled noises of the ambulance and flashes of blue and red. I can hear as if I’m under water. Gus yelling my name, telling me to stay with him, but I can’t. I’m so tired and the fire turns into a dull ache.

  
“Hazel!”

  
Gus.

  
“Hazel!” I can’t respond. I’m being laid down on something soft and cold and if it weren’t for the many emergency trips to the hospital, I wouldn’t know that texture with such familiarity as to say it’s a gerni.

  
Gus is holding on to my hand so tight it hurts, but I like it, it’s the good kind of pain.

  
My body jerks to the left and I gasp, then I’m sliding down and then back up again. I hear a faint ‘ _be careful!’_ being yelled in the background and the corners of my lips twitch in amusement at Gus’ protectiveness.

  
The world is blurring out and black spots dance across my eyes. There is medical equipment and then a bright light engulfs my right eyes and then my left. Immediately someone is putting an oxygen mask on me and then world goes dark.

  
***

  
The first thing I hear is the steady beeping of the machines as the world slowly starts to come back into focus.

  
My throat feels like sandpaper and I cringe as I try to swallow, my eyelids are heavy and I can’t open them fully. I gulp in air and breathe a sigh of relief as I feel it fill my lungs.

  
_Wait._

  
_Something’s wrong._

  
I look down and see two tubes coming out of my chest. I start panicking. Usually it’s only one, but two?! Why two?! My breathing gets erratic and even more, dark, cancerous liquid starts to pump out. My throat fills with bitter tasting water and I start coughing and chocking. This isn’t right, something’s wrong.

  
“Hazel!” Then Gus is there, “Hazel! Hey! Hazel.” He cups my face in his hands. “Hazel! Look at me!”

  
I look up into Gus’ eyes and start to calm down. Those beautiful blue orbs that I got used to seeing be filled with mirth and laughter are red-rimmed and full of panic. Guilt hits me like a freight train. I’m the one who put those bags under his eyes and at that moment he doesn’t look 17. He looks like a little boy, scared.

  
“Gus-“ my throat strains at the effort.

  
“Shh shh. No its okay. Don’t speak” he grabs my hand and presses it to his mouth.

  
“No-“The water is bubbling in my chest and I cough.“I’m so sorry, Gus” his hand tightens on mine and heat burns through my eyes and I blink rapidly to push back the tears. “I’m so sorry I made you go through this and-“another cough swallows my apology.

  
Gus stands up and envelops me in a hug. I clutch at his back and burry my face in the safety of his warmth.

“I’m-“a sob escapes my mouth “-so sorry”. I blink faster to get rid of the tears, but it’s like I’ve been stretching a rubber band for too long and it finally snapped. The tears flow down and burn on the way.

  
“Hey”, Gus whispers on my cheek while soothing his hand down the back of my head. “It’s okay…okay?” I manage a weak laugh from the side of his neck and finally pull back. I look up at him and tears streak his cheeks. He sniffles before sitting down at the side of the bed and I scoot over to make some room. Once he’s sitting he turns his attention towards me and grabs my hand.

  
He takes in a short quivering breath and another tear falls down. “Hazel I was so scared” His hand squeezes harder. “Your tank ran out of oxygen and by the time I noticed it was too late. You were gasping and turning blue and it must’ve slipped out in the middle of the movie--” I smile faintly at his nervous rambling despite the circumstance.

  
“I thought you were gone—I thought—no, I know it’s my entire fault—“

I stop him by pulling him closer and saying, “No. Gus, how could you think that?” I weakly bring my palm up to rest on his cheek and he instinctively leans closer. “It was a simple mistake…one that could’ve happened at any moment—“

  
“Yeah but if I were just—“

  
“Shh…,it’s not your fault, Gus.” After a few seconds of silence I finally say, “None of it is.”

  
Our eyes connect and I’m able to see all his fear, all his worries, all his guilt. At that moment he looks so vulnerable, so fragile. I manage a weak smile and look into his blue eyes. “Gus…” I move closer. “I love you.”

  
I watch as his blue eyes widen and then soften with something that looks like adoration. A grin tugs at the corner of his lips and turns into a smile, a big one with white teeth.

  
“I love you too, Hazel Grace.”

  
Our heads move towards each other in unison and our lips meet. It’s wet and salty from all our tears, but under all that there’s something that makes it somehow better than all the other times we’ve ever kissed. I finally pull back and laugh “We’re a hot mess”.

  
Laughing, he kisses my nose. “Trust me. I know.”

  
***

  
“How long…?”

  
They think I can’t hear them, but I can. They’ve been talking outside my room for quite a while now. I had to strain to hear from all of the other beeping noises in the room.

  
“I don’t know maybe—“

“How long!” Comes the other voice, lauder this time.

  
There’s a long pause before the other voice, which I’m guessing is my doctor, finally responds, “With her condition…which is—“

I can’t hear that part, but what I hear next stops my breathing and makes me clutch the sheets until my knuckles turn white.

“I would say a couple of hours.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and listen to the faint sobs of my mother. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Lancaster. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Lancaster. I’m so sorry.”

 

***

  
“No! C’mon! I think he’s the father to be honest.” Gus has been laying down next to me for the past hour watching Dr. Phil on the crappy TV at the top right corner of the room. “What do you think?” he puts a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

  
I smile weakly at his attempt to cheer me up. My mom, dad and the doctor came in my room to talk to me after I overheard their not-so-secret conversation outside my room.

“Hey, honey. How you feeling?” mom sat at the foot of the bed and lightly stroked my covered feet. Dad sits at the chair next to my bed and smiles encouragingly, but the small quiver of his lips tells me it’s strained.

  
Clearing my dry throat I croaked out, “Fine.”

  
The doctor lingered by the door looking at us with a glint of something in his eyes. I’ve seen it too many times not to notice it: Sympathy.

  
Rolling my eyes I mumbled a"Great," and moved up the bed. “If you got something to say, Doc, you better say it now.”

  
Snapping out of his haze, he stepped forward and cleared his throat. “Hazel. I’m sorry to break this to you but-”

  
“I’m gonna die aren’t I?”

  
Mom was immediately by my side and grabbing my hand. “No! Honey, we have to think positive! Maybe if we pray-“

  
“Don’t.” I croaked out. “You know it’s true, Mom. It’s getting worse…isn’t it?” My eyelids were burning and I blinked back the tears.

  
She looked away and her grip faltered in my hand.

“Isn’t it?” I asked more firmly and loudly this time, despite the strain of my throat.

  
The doctor took a step forward and put his hand at the back of the chair at the side of my bed. An image of Gus sitting there sleeping, flashed through my mind.

“The liquid in your lungs is filling up more rapidly than we thought.” He sighed. “We’ve managed to control it the first time with the tubes, but….” He clasped his hands and looked down.

  
“But what?”

  
“Your lungs have absorbed too much, Hazel. It’s irreversible-“

  
Irreversible.

  
“-and it’s absorbing more as we speak and in a sense, your lungs are collapsing.”

  
“Drowning.” I breathe out.

  
“What?”

“I’m drowning.” I say loudly.

  
Mom’s grip on my hands tightens again and a low sob escapes her lips. Dad is trying hard not to cry. His hands are clasped and he has his head down between his shoulders. The doctor looks at me straight in the eye and I feel like laughing. His eyes are glazed over, like he’s about to cry.

  
 _How dare you?_ I think.

  
“Yes.” He responds, “Like you’re drowning.” He spits those words out like they burn and I narrow my eyes at him.

  
“Do me a favor.” I spit out. “Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t need any of your sympathy because it doesn’t fix anything. It’s not gonna fix me. I’m gonna die and I don’t want to feel useless as I do.” My breathing gets ragged and a tear slips down my cheek.

  
“Hazel.” Dad puts a hand on my arm and squeezes it.

  
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” The doctor steps closer but thinks better of it when I turn my head away.

  
“Don’t tell Gus.” I shrug their hands away and wipe the moistness out of my cheeks.

  
“But don’t you think he should at least know?” Mom touches my wrist lightly.

  
“No. I don’t think he should know. It’s better this way.” The tears are burning even more now, more persistent and I refuse to cry in front of them.

  
“Okay.” Mom stands up and places a kiss on my forehead and I close my eyes at the feel of it. “We’ll be going now.” She steps back and the doctor takes that as his cue to leave. Dad slowly stands up and palms my cheek, his thumb traces my cheekbone. He leans over and whispers, “I love you, kid…More than you can ever know.” He stands back up and a tear falls down.

  
They walk towards the door and as she’s about to close it she turns around and looks at me. Her eyes are red-rimmed and there’s tears streaking down her cheeks. “I love you, Hazel.” And with that she turns around and shuts the door with a click that sounds louder than normal.

  
“I love you too, mom.”


	3. Okay.

“Hazel? Hello?” Gus is waving his hand in my face “Earth to Hazel?”

  
Blinking to get rid of the haze I smile weakly at Gus “Hey, sorry.”

  
His eyebrows are drawn together and his eyes are narrowed, he’s searching my face for anything out of the ordinary. I squirm under his gaze and look away.

  
“Seriously, Gus.” I grab his hand and squeeze lightly before letting go “I’m fine.”

  
He looks at me for another second before turning his attention back to Dr. Phil. “He’s the father.”

  
“What?”

  
“That guy what's his name? James, I think.” He squirms in the bed before settling on laying his head on my shoulder. “He’s the father.”

  
Smiling fondly at him I bring an ivy-punctured hand to stroke his hair. “Mhhm” I mumble.

  
“Supposedly he met up with that girl Shauna and they….” His voice trailed off as I start to feel dizzy. Black spots dance across my eyes and a heavy weight pushes against my lungs. _It’s time_ , I think.

  
“Gus” I wheeze.

  
“Mmhh”

  
“Can you shut up for a second?” My throat feels tight and I feel water bubble in my mouth. I bring a hand up to cover it as I cough.

  
“Are you alright?” he leans over and looks at the heart monitor.

  
“I’m fine,” I cough, “just tired.”

  
“Oh…”He settles back on the bed and reaches for the remote control and turns off the TV.

  
My chest feels abnormally heavy and water seeps in my mouth and I cough. 

Gus tightens his grip on my free hand and moves up the bed so I’m laying cuddled up to his side, my head on his shoulder, “Better?” he asks.

  
I grunt and cough. “Yeah” He tightens his arms around me, “Way better.”

  
From this position I feel safe, Gus smells like laundry and sweat, and I frown because he hasn’t showered since yesterday I feel bad for keeping him here for too long. But at the same time, his musky scent is what makes him Gus. It smells like home and I’m glad he’s here with me.

  
The weight on my chest gets too heavy and I breathe in big gulps of air. Blacks spots curl in my vision and behind the loud sound of blood rushing in my ear, I hear the heart monitor pick up.

  
“Hazel?” Gus tightens his grip rests his chin on the top of my head and I give a small nod in response. “It’s gonna be alright….don’t worry, I’m here.”

  
I wish I could believe him, but it seems too real. The pain and panic of not being able to breathe takes over and I’m sobbing. Hot, fat tears stain my cheeks and I realize, I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to live. I want to live and go to places I’ve never been before. I want to spend the rest of my life with Gus. I want to grow old together and have too many kids I’ve lost count.

  
Gus. I want Gus.

  
“Gus.” It comes out in a horrible gurgling noise.

  
“I’m here.” His hand soothes over my head. “I’m here.”

  
And that makes me cry even more. The amount of love he has for me shows and I feel so lucky that I get to have him, but I’m a grenade and my time is over.

  
The pain intensifies and I embrace it. I embrace it like I’ve accepted my life, my cancer, Gus’ love. I let it sit in me and do its job. Death is a part of life. I just wish I had enough time to live it. Gus starts shaking above me and I know he’s crying too. He lifts my chin up and I look into his eyes. His blue eyes are filled with tears and his cheeks are soaked with them.

  
I love you, I try to say to him but I can’t. He seems to get the message because he kisses me. It’s sloppy and wet and tastes salty from out tears, but it couldn’t be more perfect. Numbness covers my body and Gus stares at me before squeezing my hand and whispering something.

  
“Okay?”

  
And I have enough strength to squeeze back and whisper, “Okay.”

  
Then darkness engulfs me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I a bad person for writing this? Probably.  
> :)


End file.
